prayteachlove

A little faith and a lot of love go a long way…

Beach life

I’ve spent the better part of this past week at the beach. Distance from home and everyday routines has given me some much needed space to breathe and begin to really sort some things out in my mind.  

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I needed to have a conversation with God. Finally, I did it. Just two nights ago I spoke to God for the first time in nearly a year. I’ve prayed each night since.

Healing isn’t instantaneous and I didn’t expect it to be. There’s still a long road ahead, but finally, finally, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. 💡🔦

———————-

A lot has happened during this brief summer respite. Our trip to Florida kicked off the summer and I didn’t expect to do much more traveling. Then, my dad’s only brother passed away suddenly. It was off to Nebraska for a few days then with my mom to say good-bye to my uncle and spend some time with my cousins and family. 

That was a tough trip. The last time we were all together was when my dad passed. He and my uncle were very close. There were many photos of my dad at my uncle’s funeral and I certainly had some difficult moments there. Reminiscing was welcomed but also poked a bit at wounds that still seem a bit too fresh for my liking. 

Now, I find myself at the beach. The future is uncertain, that I know with great certainty. I can’t change the past. But right now, I am here.

By the way, I promise the next few posts will be much lighter. I have lots I want to write about that will certainly be more entertaining, but my heart has been heavy and on this night that I just can’t seem to fall asleep though I’m quite tired, I knew it was time to write and unload a few of the infinite thoughts swirling in my mind.

Leave a comment »

Some thoughts on life

What a year. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my life was like at this time last year and what it’s like now. 

I had a conversation with someone last night about God that’s been weighing heavily on my heart. I’ve tried everything to get my act together, to no avail. Basically, the most I’ve accomplished is making myself angry and miserable while doing my best to self-destruct and hurt everyone else in the process. What’s that saying? “Hurt people hurt people.” Something like that.  

I admitted last night that I’m incredibly angry with God. So angry that I’ve refused to speak to Him for awhile now. I blurted out that maybe I just needed to have an angry conversation with Him and the person I was talking to encouraged me to do it. He reminded me that God is bigger than my anger, my grief, my mistakes and my imperfections. He can handle me being mad.

It sucks admitting this. I’m a perfectionist and it is humbling, and quite honestly humiliating,  to confess this. I prefer handling things on my own, in my own way. Clearly, that is not working. 

Difficult conversations are a painful yet necessary part of life. I think it’s time I had one with God.

Leave a comment »

Pinterest project update!

“You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life’s been way off line

You’re falling to pieces every time

And I don’t need no carryin’ on


Cause you had a bad day

You’re taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don’t know

You tell me don’t lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don’t lie

You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day”

Daniel Powter, Bad Day

Well, I’ve had a couple of bad days for sure. Today included. I even tried to drown my sorrows in some tasty pasta salad. 
Note: I didn’t drown. Neither did my sorrows. However, I have a pretty bad stomachache to accompany my raging headache and bad attitude.  

In the grand scheme of things, my problems aren’t that serious. I know that. So rather than lament on and on about my #firstworldproblems, (yes, I did just use a hashtag in my blog post), let’s talk PINTEREST!!

Basically, I’m a pretty crappy mom about 360 days of the year. There’s about 5 days or so when I seem to nail it and typically those days occurs on birthdays and during the summer. It’s during these warm weather months that I’m blessed to be home with my babies that I try to plan exciting and new things for my offspring. I’d like to think I’m building their background knowledge and keeping them from ever becoming bored and making memories. Then, my little jerks, I mean angels, bring me back to reality by having the following conversations with their father:

Gorilla: Why does mama keep planning things for us to do?

Big Daddy B: She wants you to have fun!

Gorilla: Well, it needs to stop. Now.

Too bad, I’m not stopping. You WILL have fun this summer you ungrateful…well, you will. I demand fun in the summer. And what else is more fun than a PINTEREST INSPIRED PIE PARTY!!

So, awhile ago I found this pin for a mini-pie bar. 

I decided to up the ante a bit and throw a pie party for my kiddos and some of their friends.

There were lots of fun toppings. 



And the end results were pretty tasty.    

The kids seemed to have fun, so I consider it a success!

Besides pie parties, we’ve kept busy in other ways as well.

We’ve spent time at the neighborhood park. 

We went to a local carnival. I should note that I hate heights and Ferris wheels. I especially loathe carnival grade Ferris wheels. I have no trust in the rusty screws that allegedly hold them together. However, my son begged to ride the Ferris wheel, and so I sucked it up, held on to him for dear life, and we rode. Of course, he loved it.   

 
Sparklers with Daddy on a rainy 4th of July.  

A visit to the Choo Choo Barn in Lancaster. 

 

A tour of the Utz potato chip factory in Hanover.   

 
  
  

And while I’m not dragging my family around making them enjoy the all that our local area has to offer, I completed yet another Pinterest project which I’m rather proud of. 

I pinned instructions to make a floating vanity. 
Then I  got to work. My mom, Binxy, and I went to Lowe’s to get my materials. I started with a large shelf. 
I painted it. Big Daddy B kindly hung it. I would have done that myself but he was itching to use the drill. Men and their tools.

And now I have a floating vanity. 

I don’t have my stuff organized the way I want yet, and I still want to add a few girly touches. But overall, I’m very happy with the result!

And if all that doesn’t erase my “woe is me” attitude, my new weather app, (Authentic Weather), certainly will.  

Leave a comment »

I can’t

image

Today is is a day full of “I can’ts.” After an eye-opening week, a week in which I’ve finally started to care again, here we are with an “I can’t Friday.”

The day started positively with a trip to the gym. I felt good, alive, being there and focusing on my health.

image

Then, I got home and a short argument with Big Daddy B was had, so I took the kids to the neighborhood park to get some fresh air. All was resolved by the time we got home and he had left work. The next hour or so consisted of me being frustrated and angry about our different parenting styles, finding out we were out of milk in the middle of preparing lunch when I needed it, dealing with the Gorilla’s attitude in public and worrying about him, then spilling boiling water all over my foot.

Why? Why do I bother blogging about this, sharing it with the world? No doubt, I may piss people off with it, but I’m doing it anyway for the following reasons:

1.) I’m getting exhausted trying to keep it all in, all of the time. I’m getting tired feeling like I should always be happy. Because I’m not happy 24/7. (By the way, if you are…could you pass along your secret to me?) The one thing I hear over and over from people who get to know me, (besides my lovely skin, which if you must know, is mostly due to genetics and an expensive skincare regimen, HAHAHAHA!) is that I’m real. I don’t often sugar coat things and I typically say what’s on my mind, most of which is ridiculous and inappropriate but for whatever reason, others seem to find it refreshing. Or they just feel sorry for me. Either way, it’s who I am.

2.) Social media offers us a way to filter our lives so we all only see the beautiful, funny, heartwarming moments. Am I the only person who gets tired of filtering my life? Could I really be the only person in the world who occasionally wants to throw myself a pity party and shout, “FUCK! This is a bad day! I’m having a bad day and I just want to cry and no my life isn’t just some string of beautiful, funny, heartwarming moments! Sometimes it’s ugly and it hurts! And tomorrow I will be back to sharing all the good, but for today, just give me today, I. Just. Can’t.” If I am the only person out there who feels this way, well, then, congratulations to all of you for finding perfection. And by the way, you’re a bunch of jerks for leaving me in the dark. Or maybe there’s someone else out there also having an “I can’t” kind of day.

image

So, choose to see what you want in me. I am who I am, whoever that may be these days.

In other news, the bright side is that it’s almost nap time and I absolutely shall be partaking today. Amen for that.

2 Comments »